I feel like I need to start this post with a ton of disclaimers. So, this post is in no way meant to shame, hurt, or offend anyone with multiple children. It is also not meant to hurt women currently trying to conceive. If you think it might offend you, consider this your trigger warning. This is my personal struggle and I am only speaking for myself.
My first Mother’s Day weekend 🙂
Last month we had a pregnancy scare and I freaked out. It is not uncommon for my period to be off by a few days, especially when I’m stressed, which I was last month. However, days became a week and then two weeks, I began preparing myself for yet another unplanned pregnancy. The tests were negative, but my period hadn’t been two weeks late since my virgin days when there wasn’t a fear of pregnancy. People started talking about Mother’s Day gifts and all I wanted for Mother’s Day was to not be pregnant. The relief I felt about my period finally starting led to a deep reflection on why I’m so scared to have a second child.
As most of you know, I am a planner by nature, so in 2011 when I found out I was pregnant with Sesame I was really scared. I was unmarried and in a rocky relationship and even though we’d discussed kids we were trying to focus on restoring the trust in our relationship. We also wanted to be married for at least a year before trying for a little one. Oh, and I wanted to be finished with course work and exams since everyone swears that writing a dissertation with an infant is the way to go. So, the day I went shopping with a friend and suddenly couldn’t fit a size small shirt over my breasts, I knew something was off. My period wasn’t due for another two weeks and suddenly I could give the Baywatch girls a run for their money.
Mother’s Day 2013
After a few weeks of denial and freaking out, I heard Sesame’s heartbeat and became a mother. I definitely still worried about my relationship and finishing school, but that heartbeat comforted me and I started preparing for motherhood. Being Sesame’s mother has been an amazing journey and despite the trying times, I do not want to imagine my life without him. He inspires me and while I will never condone having a child to save a relationship, Sesame definitely brought Mr. S and me closer.
Mother’s Day 2014
So, if my marriage is stable and I enjoy motherhood, why would a second pregnancy worry me? I could totally blame it on finances or some other arbitrary reason like wanting a certain age gap. But, that’s not the truth.
The truth is I don’t know if I can be the mother I am now to more than one child. While my world doesn’t completely revolve around my child, I am very intentional in my parenting. I’m a chronic planner and over-thinker, so there is almost always a reason why I do certain things when it comes to Sesame. I often ask myself, how I can do this with two children, who will certainly have different personalities and needs.
I often find myself uncomfortable with the amount of love Sesame bestows on me. I honestly don’t think anyone has ever loved me so much and so unconditionally, at least I’ve never felt this type of love in the past. There are days when Mr. S has to take Sesame outside because I am feeling smothered by his need to touch me, kiss me, or simply be in my personal space. I’ve never had someone genuinely miss me when I go to a meeting without them for an hour. It is wonderful to be loved so much, but how will I manage to be the center of another little person’s universe? How will my marriage survive if there is yet another person who wants to hug, kiss, or cuddle me?
Mother’s Day Photoshoot 2015
I’m sure this sounds ungrateful and yet I feel like I need to say it all. See, I’m the oldest of nine children and even though I know my parents love me, I haven’t always felt like a priority to them. I’m pretty independent and a self-starter, plus I tend to follow the rules, so they’ve never really had to focus tons of attention on me. Yet, I still wanted… no, I still needed it. However, I never did a great job of letting them know I felt unloved or unimportant. It’s come out in adulthood through arguments and resentment towards my younger siblings. Some might say I deliberately placed physical distance between my family, and myself so that I could pretend that I wasn’t as big priority due to the distance. This is certainly something that came up when I was in therapy. Others might say I simply ran away from the family I had and tried to create the one from my dreams. I’ve had that conversation with Mr. S frequently lately.
Yet, here I am years later, terrified of having a second child because of all my unresolved childhood baggage. Terrified that my child(ren) will one day feel I didn’t balance my love for them. Terrified that my children would grow to resent one another or me because it felt like one child received more attention. Terrified that choosing between important moments in their lives would do irreparable harm to their perception of me. Terrified that my children wouldn’t understand that I loved them all equally, yet differently.
Maternity Shoot 2012
So, yea all I wanted for this Mother’s Day was to not be pregnant and I’m really grateful for my gift. I want to be the mother I am now to more than one child, but I’m not sure that I can be because I don’t know what that looks like. I hope I figure it out soon so that a pregnancy scare is a time for celebration.
