When A Celebrity Death Touches Both Spouses In Different Ways - R.I.P. Kobe and Gianna Bryant
Last month when NBA star, Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gianna Bryant died unexpectedly in a helicopter crash, my husband and I talked about their deaths but in very different ways. Today February 24, 2020, Los Angeles will honor both Kobe and Gianna in a memorial service.
This post is an abbreviated version of how my husband and I both processed the sudden death of a pop culture phenomenon.
Her: This cannot be real. I refuse to believe that it’s real. It’s too sudden. No warning… no sickness… no time to prepare. How do you lose your partner and your children all at once? Those are the first thoughts that ran through my head when I saw social media blow up with the news of Bryant’s death and the possibility that three of his daughters were with him..
Him: I didn’t believe it when I first saw the post on IG. I thought it was a hoax; fake news. As I rushed to FB to confirm or deny this devastating news, my mind raced back to year 17 of life, right as Kobe Bryant was entering the NBA at the same age. I was snapped back to the present with all of the news links on FB confirming that NBA legend Kobe Bryant had died in a helicopter crash. It devastated me.
Her: As the news was confirmed and people began clarifying that only Gianna was with him, I felt both relieved and saddened at once. So, she didn’t lose all her children save one but losing one child is too many. Gianna was his mini-me. Vanessa lost two pieces of her heart all at once.
Him: I grew up on Chicago’s Southside WATCHING MJ win back to back to back championships for the Bulls; I grew up WITH Kobe Bryant. I turned 17 the year he, at 17, entered the NBA draft. We went to prom the same year; his date was a bit more famous than mine but who is checking that stat? We both wanted to take Brandy to prom. The girl was his, I guess. I watched him struggle with fidelity in his relationship as I was dealing with my own; not nearly as public or with as much humility. Once I became a father I watched him, as well as other Black men who I admired and thought were doing the father thing right, to see how to be gentle yet firm with a child. To nurture yet instill a sense of accountability and respect in a child. As men, we always dream of having a son to carry on our legacy, however I watched Kobe embrace and support his daughter as she carried the torch into the next chapter of Bryant basketball. I watched him turn one of his darkest hours into support for women’s basketball.
Her: I wonder how Vanessa is handling this situation. I was never a huge Kobe Bryant fan and I don’t have the same connection as my husband to what he meant for the Black community. But I know what’s like to be with someone for the majority of your adult life… I know what it’s like to have children with that person. I know what it’s like to stand by them when they make poor choices, although, thank goodness I didn’t have to stand by you with the entire world watching and judging me. People call that moment his “darkest hours” but honestly he made poor choices. He didn’t think about his family and how his actions could hurt them. Hell he didn’t even think about how his actions would impact that young woman for the rest of her life as well. Or how it would become part of his legacy and something his family would one day have to see discussed alongside his accomplishments when he was no longer here.
Him: As I sat in East Atlanta on a cloud covered Sunday afternoon about to ride through the city in my HEMI powered Dodge with guys 20 years younger than me, I couldn’t help but wonder if this news would hit them the way it hit me. Kobe not only embodied a generational divide, he bridged it as well. he entered the league during Jordan’s last great championship seasons, competed fiercely against LeBron for over a decade, and left the game as new stars like Damian Lillard, Karl Anthony-Townes, and Ben Simmons began to make their mark. His work ethic was beyond reproach and it showed on the court. He was the last of the ‘we not friends’ players in the NBA. He competed with every fiber of his being, wearing purple and gold the entire 20 years that he stepped onto the hardwood.
Her: Seeing this news while my husband was out of the house for the evening set my anxiety into overdrive. All I wanted was for him to come home right away but I knew he had been looking forward to this evening out. Instead I spent the time trying to avoid any more of the news. I kissed my boys while they slept more that night than I probably ever have in the past. I remember wanting to wake them up just so I could hear their voices.
Him: As I drove around the city, my mind wandered to the final moments Kobe shared with his daughter. How he must have known the situation that they were in was detrimental but tried, nonetheless, to comfort her in their last minutes on earth. How much pain and sorrow he must have felt as he looked into her eyes knowing that she would never experience so many firsts that he had always envisioned being a part of; that all the joys of growing into a woman he had hoped for her she would never feel.
Her: I barely slept that night. I kept being awakened by vivid dreams of car accidents or school shootings.The two ways I fear my husband and Sesame being taken away from me. The two ways I worried for an entire year after having Blueberry. I woke up sweating and rolling over to make sure Blueberry and Mr. S were breathing next to me. I got up and walked down the hall to the boys room and watched Sesame sleep. I wondered if Vanessa slept that night. I wondered if she clung to her three remaining children and imagined how they’d go on. The way I clung to Blueberry when my postpartum anxiety spiraled while Sesame and Mr. S were gone during the day. How was I supposed to let them leave my sight the next morning?
Him: My wife begrudgingly kissed my eldest son and I as we left the next morning, nearly in tears brought on by the anxiety of the previous day’s events, the gravity of which had not been lost on me either. We never know the day nor hour. I came into work with a heavy heart for a man and his family I had never met, however felt a cultural and generational connection to. My HS students, who don’t have the same link to Kobe that my peers do, made jokes too soon and almost had me turn into a Worldstar teacher tragedy, but instead I measuredly let them know that a bit of respect was still required in this moment.
Her: I hope Vanessa and their other children don’t get lost in the pressure of Kobe and Gianna’s legacy. I hope that when the storm starts to pass they allow themselves to continue to live. Not just to maintain their legacy or memory but for themselves. I hope they remember that they were part of creating this legacy. They helped Kobe become the man everyone will hopefully remember. They were there with him when he messed up, when he apologized, when he tried to be better.
Him: The legacy of Kobe Bryant is that of hard work, perseverance, dedication, and loyalty. He worked hard to be undoubtedly the best player of his era, waking before dawn to train. He persevered through adversity, that he had a hand in creating for himself, and turned that support for women’s basketball that is unmatched by any other NBA star, past or present. He was a dedicated family man, from coaching one of his daughters as she broke into her basketball journey to dressing up as the Wizard of Oz on Halloween with his wife and the rest of his daughters. As a member of the Los Angeles Lakers for 20 years as a player he showed us all what loyalty looks like in an era of player over team. I only hope to be the type of father, husband and man that Kobe Bryant was. #BlackMamba4ever
If nothing else, I hope that this incident reminds us all how people you’ve never met or don’t know in real life can touch you in different ways. May everyone who lost their lives in the helicopter crash rest in peace. I hope that their families ALL find peace and comfort in what I am sure are the most difficult moments of their lives.
