Warning: This post may come across as whiny, ungrateful, and negative. If you are not in the mood for it, please wait for the next adorable Baby S post 🙂 Additionally, this post will be multiple blogs because I have a lot to say on the subject, and this is not a one post decision process.
Over the last 4-6 weeks, I have been struggling with my roles as wife/mommy and graduate student (not to be confused with teacher). I love being back in the classroom and teaching… I’m enjoying preparing to teach online for the first time in a few weeks. For the most part, I’m balancing those things well…except grading but that’s always an issue 🙂
What I am not balancing well is getting back into the groove of student. I need to prepare for my comprehensive exams, but I keep putting it on the back burner. I know that part of it is my fear of the exams, but a large part of it is not having the time or overwhelming desire for learning at the moment. Maybe my brain had too much time off or maybe I just don’t love it as much anymore, but right now I’m just not feeling it. I do miss the freedom of long days in the library or the coffee shop learning new theories, but I’m not feeling spending 8-10 hours a day several times a week from my husband and son. I don’t want to spend the next 5-6 months consumed with studying and missing milestones or family activities. So do I walk away from a 6 year investment or do I make it work?
This isn’t the first time I haven’t been feeling it. I considered exiting stage left this exact time of year 3 years ago.
Excerpt from a post written October 30, 2009
School has always been my first love and anything else was merely a mistress… a fling… that is until recently.
Lately, I have found myself wanting to burn all my books and drop out of my PhD program. Some days I wake up excited for the day of research and writing ahead. Other days I wake up and the mere thought of reading one more scholarly article makes me want to vomit. Like the song says “if I were a bird I’d fly away…”
My relationship with my first love has reached the stormy point that many long term romantic relationships experience. When it’s time to make a choice between weathering the storm and going our separate ways. And much like being at a crossroads in a romantic relationship my head and heart are not agreeing. My head says take the M.A. and run on May 15th. My heart says noooo you can’t give up… we’ve been in this since you were 3 and your mom enrolled you in pre-k… think about all the good times we’ve shared… all the A’s you’ve received… all the C’s that you knew did not mean you were average… don’t you remember the thrill of your college acceptance letters… and what about finding out you got into graduate school… you can’t let a few bad times ruin a good thing. This is usually when my head chimes in and reminds me that dating someone for 23 years does not mean they’re you’re only option… don’t forget about all the sleep lost… all the fun missed out on will studying… and aren’t you tired of being broke.
Excerpt from post written November 5, 2009
I came to realize that because I have all these other wonderful things that I love in my life now I want to delve into them and I see school as a hindrance. While I’m “only” 26 I’m ready to get married and have a family… something that I NEVER considered for myself in the past. I want to travel and see the world. I want to be able to see my younger siblings more often and not have to rush them off the phone because I’m writing a paper. Sometimes I feel like school is cheating me out of a “life”… it’s like school is this selfish lover that wants me all to himself and makes me feel horribly when I spend time with anyone else.
My goal for the coming weeks is to figure out a balance… why can’t a girl have it all?
Three years later and I’ve been married for close to a year and have an awesome 6.5 month old. I had to stop and really reflect on that for a moment. I am where I wanted to be 3 years ago, but is graduate school or academia where I want to be in 3 more years? Will I find myself dealing with these same feelings?
Stay tuned…
