“When I thought I couldn’t go on, I forced myself to keep going. My success is based on persistence, not luck.”~Estee Lauder
If you haven’t guessed already based on my FB updates, I decided to stick with the doctoral program. There are several reasons, but before I go into all of them. I want to share another excerpt from a post a few years ago when I went through this same ordeal.
In this post, I applied the 80/20 rule to my relationship with school:
I realized that right now I’m unhappy w/ my relationship w/ academia right now, so anything else looks better, but is it really worth it? Is it worth it to quit the PhD program and get a non-tenure track job? Would quitting and getting a job be the 20% or the 80% for me? I’m convinced that quitting would not only be a cop-out it would also be the 20%, and a few years down the line I would be crying that I didn’t finish the PhD.
Three years ago that decision seemed easier because it was just me. Any decision I make now affects not only me, but my husband and son as well. In the midst of me working on the previous post, “Honesty Hour: I’m Just Not Feeling It,” I received an email from one of my advisors wanting to meet with me at the last minute. I had been wanting to meet with her to discuss what the process is for taking time off in the program, but I was too afraid to send the email. We met in the coffee shop and before I could go into my concerns she launched into a plan. A plan that I had crossed my mind prior to having Baby S, but not one I really thought about pulling off once I had him. She had already talked to my other advisor and a few people in the department about it and wanted to hear my thoughts. The plan–take both of my comprehensive exams in the same semester (this coming spring) and write/defend my dissertation prospectus this summer making me ABD before my 30th birthday. Ironically being ABD before 30 was my plan before having Baby S, but I gave up on it. I figured I would be ABD a few months after and that wasn’t so bad after all. As I listened to her tell me why they felt this way and even mentioning considering the fact that I now have a child, I wanted to cry. Not from sadness, but because I walked into the coffee shop ready to give up and she walked in ready to push me forward.
I left the meeting feeling reassured, but needing to talk to Mr. S because me studying for two comprehensive exams means him pulling more weight in terms of cooking and care giving during the work week in the coming months. When he picked me up that evening, I summarized the meeting and discussed our options: I try to do this now or I take some time off and potentially give up altogether. When we discussed me taking some time off prior to this conversation, he said he never thought I wouldn’t go back. He told me that if I quit now he didn’t believe I would be happy and in the end I would not only resent/blame him but our son as well. He said that he would support my decision either way in terms of taking time off or pushing through now, but not finishing wasn’t an option. He told me that I overcame a lot to get here and I’m not a quitter. Our conversation reminded me of a very early point in our friendship/relationship. We had been hanging out for about a month when I had my very first take home exam for the Master’s program. I was freaking out the entire time and he came over watched television in my living room, while I sat on the floor working. Whenever I sighed or balled up a piece of paper he said something encouraging and didn’t let me give up. We barely knew each other, but he was already so supportive of my dreams.
The next morning I sent both of my advisors an email to let them know I was on board. This meant working on two exam reading lists instead of one, but since I was only planning on taking my secondary this Spring I hadn’t really worked on the primary list yet. At the time, exam lists were due in three weeks. So, in addition to my normal duties during the week I had to cram in time to make these lists and get feedback from everyone on my committees. I’m happy to say that I turned in my list on time, but it took a lot of time and help from my advisors. I am still afraid of failing, but I can’t give up because of fear.
So, no I’m not quitting graduate school. I’m not a quitter. I’m the girl who always tells people that “it doesn’t matter the cards you’re dealt, as long as you play them to win.” I don’t want my son to be a quitter. I never want him to feel like I resent him because I gave up a dream after he came along. I want him to know that even when life doesn’t go as planned you can still achieve your goals.
I no longer plan to go the “tenure track” route, but that’s a story for another time.
