I HATE THIS PHRASE!!!
Disclaimer: I probably won’t proofread this post, because it’s coming straight from my heart.
When I decided to start this website my friend asked me to describe myself and the image I want to portray. One of the words that came up frequently was “genuine.” If you know me in real life, then you know I’m a genuine person. I am very honest about my life and my experiences, and how they shape me. In the past, this has caused me a little heartache because people will take your honesty and life experiences, and use them against you when they’re mad at you, which is extremely hurtful; but I refuse to allow a few negative people to prevent me from being me. So, today’s blog is one of many “genuine” no sugar-coating posts. I hope that it helps someone…
One of the hardest things for me while pregnant has been dealing with my changing body. People always talk about the physical toll pregnancy has on your body, but few people discuss the mental toll those physical changes will take on you as well. Instead people say things like
“I felt the most beautiful when I was pregnant…”
If you’re having a boy you’ll be all belly…”
“Girls RUIN your body…”
“Don’t worry if you breastfeed the weight will just melt off…”
“Your skin will be gorgeous and your hair and nails will be so long and strong…”
You get the point…
What no one ever really tells you is that if you already have issues with your body going into pregnancy, you most certainly will have them during the pregnancy. Not only is your body changing, but pregnant bodies somehow become fodder for public discourse. People are perfectly comfortable asking you how much weight you’ve gained or discussing how you look like you’re going to pop soon. And sure there will be the occasional compliment about your “glowing” skin or how awesome your boobs look in that shirt; but those compliments don’t matter much when you don’t feel beautiful.
I am that person… the larger I get the more unattractive I feel. It does not matter that my body has changed in ways that make me more “womanly”, and that my husband adores the additional weight. Every single time I have to get on that scale at the doctor’s office and the number increases I find myself fighting back tears. I know I’m supposed to gain weight… I know that for the most part I am gaining healthy weight… But it doesn’t mean I feel good when I see myself.
This is probably because I’ve never had the best body image in the first place. Most of my life I was “too skinny” for the community I grew up in and that became a source of discomfort for me. Yet once I started to gain weight and receive approval from others, it still didn’t feel right to me. I was uncomfortable with my body being discussed by others or the focus. I’ve tried to fake the funk and pretend that I think I’m the best thing since sliced bread, but those confident moments are few and far between. Those confident moments are usually a mask for the personal horror I feel in the mirror on a regular basis… this fear of being too skinny or too fat is a constant issue for me.
It doesn’t help when I say “I’m fat” or “I feel fat” and someone responds “You’re not fat you’re pregnant.” Every time I hear that phrase I want to punch someone. Yes I realize I’m pregnant, but that does not mean that I can’t feel fat at the same time. I am fat… I am heavier than I’ve ever been in my life and ever imagined I would be… I feel like I’m trapped in a body that I have absolutely no control over right now… and people are free to comment on it because hey it’s okay to talk to the pregnant woman about her growing belly…
The next time a pregnant woman says “I’m fat…” don’t tell her she’s “not fat she’s pregnant” you’re negating her feelings; instead give her a hug, tell her a funny joke, or offer to gain some weight right along with her.
