I know I owe you a dissertation vlog update, but I haven’t had time to do one and my hair looks awful right, so I don’t want to be on video lol. So, consider this your update. This past weekend was very interesting to say the least. To start on Friday night I lost a safe space that helped me get through a lot of motherhood and marriage challenges. I’m not sure if I want to go into a lot of details yet, but needless to say it was very hurtful and I’m still dealing with those feelings.
On Saturday Mr. S took Sesame to a birthday party and I stayed home. I listened to Pandora, used a new Scentsy warmer melt, made some tea, and tried to finally buckle down with my prospectus revision. Everything started awesome and then I become overwhelmed by all the red (questions to answer) and blue (edits to make) writing. I had a bit of a meltdown and found myself in a horrible mood by the time they got back home, which does not exactly bode well when your husband does his part to give you some alone time, but you’re still crabby when he gets back. All in all I got through like three pages before I just quit, and sadly I haven’t picked it up sense. I must get out of this slump.
This crabbiness spilled over into Sunday and I finally decided to just start a new journal. There were things I wanted to say that I just wasn’t ready for public consumption and I no longer had that space for venting. So, I’m back to personal journaling and I’m sure some of them will become blog posts (not the venty ones). Sunday evening despite still not being in the best mood I went to a going away party for a former colleague. Part of me almost canceled, but I’m glad I listened to that other part of me and here’s why.
My personal status on FB the next morning:
Last night was the first time in close to a year and a half that I went to a non-mandatory grad school event and the first time I haven’t taken the kid with me. I felt this intense anxiety beforehand like no one would really want me there or even care since I hadn’t participated in so long, but it was the exact opposite. Everyone was so happy to see me and reminded me why I need these moments. Sure they all wanted to know about the kid and I wasn’t the only mom there, but I also got to talk about my research and the impact it’s having on my parenting and marriage. No one thought I was being too “deep,” or made me feel weird for seeing all these connections.
I got to talk with the women who mentored me for years and who I felt were upset when I chose to have a baby and get married, and I found out that all they really wanted was for me to not feel like that’s what I had to do to be a “woman.” To hear that they’re happy for me and proud of me for understanding that who I am and what I’ve accomplished isn’t tied to my marital status or ability to bring forth life felt amazing.
It’s the first time in a really long time that I’ve felt I could be all parts of myself and not just one or the other. I left feeling motivated and ready to do everything I said I would when I moved here 8 years ago (minus going to law school lol).
There are things that I’ve been missing since becoming a mom and being away from my classmates that I didn’t find in that other group. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this night happened after I felt like I lost so much. It reminded me that I still have so much more.